Smarter than Canute

All,

As I am sure you are aware, I can't stand bullies. People who are intent on using power to subordinate others, imposing their way of doing things on everyone else.It's a good job Badders and I are around to make sure everyone behaves, otherwise I dread to think where we'd all be.

I despair of the poor children in their "cells and bells" schools, and the online persecution that is rife (have I mentioned I was subject to this myself? It was incredibly distressing and hurtful. I had to resort to using virtual kisses to protect my dignity, and actually got labelled as "creepy" in the process. I felt violated, to be honest. Even my Horlicks didn't work that night).

Anyway, I know that not everyone shares my unusual ability to immediately identify moral absolutes in what can be dreadfully complicated circumstances (I have a heartwrenching story about a crack using parent that you've probably not heard) and so it is my duty to ensure that everybody is doing the right thing. Guys: relax. It's not your fault that you can't figure it out for yourself. I had really thought, though, that the sea would know better.

There I was, on my ship, when I noticed a beautiful island in the distance that I really had to claim as my own. To leave it to its isolation would have been an utter travesty, don't you think? I have so much to contribute, I couldn't just leave it alone. It would have been such a waste of my talents.

As I was enjoying a nice spot of welsh rarebit up on deck, I simply ordered the waves to carry my vessel to the shores. It normally works with Notschool staff, to be honest - they really are most obliging people. But the sea did not comply with my very reasonable demands - in fact it took me in the opposite direction, can you even countenance it? I couldn't. The rarebit went swiflty overboard, and I decided to deploy the motor boat instead. It scares the marine life and leaks oil, but c'est la vie, my followers. Sometimes you just have to use brute force to get what you want. It's for the best. Anyway, just thought I'd share.

Digitally yours,

Prof.